It's a Bloody, Bloody, Bloody, Bloody World!
by Chris Magician
Summary: A compelling, intellectual, thought-provoking tale of friendship, love, and above all else, John Travolta.


                **It's a Bloody, Bloody, Bloody, Bloody World (and other observations!)**

**                         A Love Hina Story by MagicianXV  
  
**

It was far from an unusual occurrence for Su to have invented something strange. Far from it, in fact; she improved her designs for the Mecha Tama line on an almost daily basis, and among other items, she had created compact missile launchers, a kissing machine, and even a turtle detector. 

Naru Narusegawa forced herself to bear this in mind as Su shoved her bodily into the jungle that served as her room, beaming and yammering the entire time. Beside her, also having been dragged into the room, was Keitaro Urashima. He had cemented a smile onto his face and was nodding incrementally, obviously having no clue what Su was talking about. Naru wished very much that she had been able to put on more than a robe, but Su had hauled her out of the hot spring without a moment's notice, declaring that she had something revolutionary to show them. Secretly, Naru doubted that Su was entirely sure what 'revolutionary' even meant, but she wasn't about to say anything.

"I only used tempered stainless steel," Su was saying, oblivious to the blank stares she was receiving. "There's no way it'll ever rust that way, see? And the points are laser-sharpened, so they never get much thicker than a molecule." She whirled around, grinning ear to ear. "Do you _know how pointy that is?"_

"Ah..." said Keitaro intelligently.

"Very?" Naru offered, hoping she looked smarter than Keitaro.

"Right!" Su chirped, spinning around again. "It's over here, I'll get it out." She dashed off through the thick foliage, leaving the two ronins to stare after her. There was silence, save for the sounds of the monkeys Su apparently kept in her room.

"So, how's your spleen?" Keitaro inquired casually. 

"Pretty good," Naru replied, after a moment's consideration. "Yours?"

"Still spleening. Any idea what Su's up to?"

"Nope."

"Huh. Me neither."

The monkeys resumed their role as the only sound.

Moments later, Su came barreling out from the trees, pushing a wheeled cart covered by a blue sheet. There was an indistinct shape on top, but judging from the way the sheet dipped at regular intervals, Naru guessed that it was either an especially lumpy Mecha Tama or some new variety of horned-toad. 

"This is it!" Su announced, holding her hands out to indicate the sheet. "Isn't it great?"

"Yes," said Naru and Keitaro together.

"I think," Keitaro added. "Um...is the sheet part of it?"

"What?" Su looked down, then flushed. "Whoopsie! I was a little too excited." She grabbed two big handfuls of the cloth and pulled, sending it spiraling away to rest on a palm tree. "There, that's better."

"My god," Naru stated. Keitaro turned pale and began to back up.

"I think I'll be going now," he muttered, beginning to quiver. "Something just tells me this is a bad place to be...call it ESP."

"Why?" Su inquired, looking slightly hurt. "You don't like my Mega-Impaler 5000?" She pointed to the gleaming metal contraption on the cart. To anyone who didn't know better (or, to be more specific, everyone but Su) it would have looked very much like a catapult covered in steel spikes of various sizes. The reason that Keitaro was shaking, sweating, and looking generally apprehensive was that it was aimed directly at him.

"I love it," he managed. "It's g-great! I just—I'm getting this horrible sense that if I stay here much longer I'll regret it."

"Aw, don't go, Keitaro!" Su cried, flinging herself around his neck. Her arms enveloped him like a python and effectively cut off his supply of air. This, in turn, caused him to stagger back into the room and stumble around drunkenly, attempting to pry Su off.

"Hey!" Naru exclaimed, taking a step back as one of Keitaro's flailing arms nearly hit her. "Watch here you're swinging, will you?" Keitaro managed a strangled gasp in reply, turned blue, and passed out. He fell forwards, and in a manner than absolutely everyone on the planet could have seen coming a mile away, landed with his face firmly between Naru's breasts.

There was a long, ominous pause.

"_PERVERT!" Also as expected, Naru's fist rocketed from her side and hurled Keitaro across the air. The applause of anime fans worldwide could be heard until, in a moment that was rather __unexpected, Su's Mega-Impaler 5000 suddenly went off and delivered its entire payload of spikes into Keitaro's back. He stopped quite suddenly, landed on his feet, and looked down at his chest._

"Wow," he said dumbly. "I...I really liked this shirt, too."

                                                                ******

"I have to admit, I've never seen anything like this," Haruka said solemnly. She turned and faced the girls, all of whom had come to Keitaro's aid. "He was actually charged by a rampaging gorilla and slammed against a surreal artist's steel representation of a Saguaro cactus?"

"That's right," Naru said, shifting nervously. "That is exactly what happened, down to the letter." Haruka shook her head in bewilderment, not noticing as Su studied the ceiling with sudden interest.

"Well, I really don't know what to tell you. Those spikes did an awful lot of damage. He's basically dead meat."

"Very tactful," Kitsune commented. Haruka shrugged.

"Isn't there anything we can do to help him?" Shinobu asked tearfully, wringing her hands. She had been doing this a lot, and her hands were very tired of it and wished she'd stop.

"No," the older woman said coolly. "Unless..."

"What?" asked all the girls in unison.

"There is one way," Haruka said, frowning. "But..."

"What?" said all the girls again.

"No," Haruka decided. "It's no good. Far too dangerous." There was an audible _whump as everyone's shoulders sagged._

Haruka waited a few moments.

"Aren't you going to ask me again?" she inquired, looking expectantly around.

"I thought it was too dangerous," Naru said, scowling. Haruka shrugged a second time.

"That was just for drama. I think we may have one option."

"Please just tell us this time," Motoko requested. "I don't believe Shinobu can take any more drama." As if to further the point, Shinobu retreated to a far corner and curled into a fetal position.

"All right." Haruka took a deep breath. "If I'm not mistaken, our only option to save Keitaro from an eternity in Hell (ignoring the fact that he should really have gone to Heaven since he was such an overall good person) is to use a mysterious tie I have to the underground, ultra-secret community of vampires, many of whom are highly marketed and romanticized and would make excellent fodder for fanfiction based on otherwise lighthearted and free-spirited mangas or animes about a single male in a cast composed almost entirely of extremely attractive female characters with quirky and often hilarious character traits, but I could be mistaken, although it's fully possible that this sentence has simply gone on far too long and I've lost my train of thought owing to a severe lack of oxygen due to the fact that I haven't taken a breath in one hundred and forty-seven words." 

Everyone watched as Haruka wavered from side to side, then inhaled deeply.

"Oh. Is that all?" Kitsune said. Haruka nodded. Kitsune looked around at the other girls. "All in favor?"

"Aye!" said everyone.

"All opposed?"

"Nay!" said nobody.

"Okay then!" Kitsune clapped her hands together. "Let's make Keitaro a bloodsucker!"

                                                                ******

The door opened slowly. On the front stoop was a tall figure, dressed entirely in a very tasteful and extremely marketable black coat. His skin was white, and his eyes were clear and colorless. 

"Good evening," he said soothingly, bowing to Haruka. "It is a pleasure to see you again, Old Woman." For some unexplained reason, a pistol suddenly appeared in Haruka's hand. For a second unexplained reason, the vampire (that's who the person on the front stoop is, you see—we'll reveal that right now so we can skip all the introductory crap and get to the good stuff) actually seemed to be intimidated by it.

"Don't start with me," she said dully, then gestured for him to come inside. The vampire obliged, taking off his coat as he did so. He immediately noticed the girls, all clustered together around Keitaro's nearly-lifeless body.

"Well..." said the man, smiling widely. "Good evening to you as well. I don't suppose any of you is tired of life?" Haruka was suddenly beside him again, holding the pistol to his temple. "Shit," the vampire commented, and sighed. "Very well. I assume you'd like me to make that boy one of the Children of the Night?"

As soon as the words 'Children of the Night' left the vampire's lips, there was a loud and terribly spooky burst of organ music from somewhere in the upper levels of the house. The girls looked up at the rafters in confusion.

"Oh," said Haruka, looking disgusted. "Don't mind that. He does it all the time." She and the vampire approached Keitaro, then knelt beside him.

"There's just enough life left," he murmured, one thin hand pressed against Keitaro's chest. "I should be able to help you."

"Wait!" Keitaro shouted, suddenly sitting up. "I'm okay, really!"

"No you aren't," Naru told him. "You're three-quarters dead, idiot." Keitaro shook his head vehemently. 

"No, I'm fine, I swear. The same invincibility that protected me through all those Naru-Punches saved me from the spikes, see?"

"You mean," said Shinobu, sounding confused, "that this wasn't the one time your invincibility didn't manifest? And that now you won't have to become a vampire, which would inevitably lead to heartfelt confessions and painful trials as you adapted to your drastically changed lifestyle?"

"Right," Keitaro said cheerfully. "So, I'll just be going now. I really have to use the bathroom." He climbed out of bed, and walked up the stairs. Everyone was silent as they heard a few footsteps, then the sound of a toilet flushing.

"Well _that was disappointing," muttered Sara._

                                                                ******

"I don't see why this movie did so badly in theaters," the vampire commented. On the television, John Travolta was just explaining why the human race was doomed to an eternity of being treated as paramecium. "It has wonderful special effects, and no one can deny the high production costs."

"I think it may have been the acting," Kitsune said, chewing thoughtfully on some popcorn. "I mean, John Travolta can pull off an archangel, but he can't do a decent alien overlord. That's not very impressive."

"You know what bugged me?" Keitaro said, scratching his head. "In _Jurassic__Park, I can never tell which scenes use the robotic T-rex and which ones use computer graphics."_

"That's easy," Naru scoffed. "The real one is in the scenes where Mel Gibson is in the car."

"Mel Gibson wasn't in _Jurassic Park," Haruka pointed out. "That was Sam Neil."_

"I knew that," said Naru quickly. I was testing you." She looked around worriedly. "Really."

"Of course you were, dear," said the vampire comfortingly. "I'm all finished with Motoko. Who'd like to be next?" Motoko clambered woozily up from the couch and sat down beside Shinobu, who applied a band-aid to her neck. "Anyone?"

"I'd volunteer, but you'd probably get drunk," Kitsune said, grinning. "My blood is eighty-five percent alcohol."

"It's true," Keitaro told him. "On hot days she sweats beer." 

All at once, the front door of the house was flung open. Two figures, completely nondescript and impossible to identify, dashed through and came to screeching halts. The vampire, who had been shaking some pepper onto Sara's neck, paused and looked up curiously.

"All right," said the first figure, grimacing furiously, "who's responsible for all this?"

"We demand an explanation!" said the second, cracking its knuckles. The residents of Hinata House exchanged confused glances.

"What the heck are you guys talking about?" Naru asked, standing up. "And who _are you, anyway?"_

"My name is Teriyaki Chicken," introduced one of the figures, "and this is Hawk. We're the authors of _Blood Hina and __Tears of Blood, and we would like to know just where you people get off with a ridiculous spoof like this."_

"Exactly!" agreed Hawk. "We're both hardworking fanfic authors with a dedication to quality, and you all have the gall to post something like this! I mean, honestly! Show some respect!"

"Well, actually," Keitaro said, also standing, "since this _is a spoof, it kind of defies respect and dignity with its very existence. You two are both repeating exactly what the readers already know."_

"Oh," said Teriyaki Chicken, blinking a few times. "I guess that makes sense. You think so, Hawk?"

"Um..." Hawk thought it over. "Yeah, I suppose it does. I hadn't looked at  it like that."

"Hey," Kitsune called, holding out her bowl of popcorn, "you two wanna come watch _Battlefield Earth with us?"_

"Is it before or after they fly the Harrier jets?" Hawk questioned. Kitsune checked the television.

"Before."

"Ah, why not," muttered Teriyaki Chicken. The two shadowy figures sat down beside Kitsune, and everyone tried to ignore the unpleasant slurping sounds as the vampire turned Sara into one of the Children of the Night.

Somewhere in the distance, an organ played a few notes, then went to bed.

Magician's Note: I hope everyone had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. It's a rare time when I actually sit down and finish a story all at once, even if it's a short one. I really did enjoy the Love Hina Vampire Fics, by the way—both were very well-written and quite good. However, they just begged to be spoofed in some manner. I humbly request that Teriyaki Chicken and Hawk resist any urges they might have to send any bloodsuckers of their own after me in response to this story.


End file.
